We all have times where we become insecure about a certain piece of text or need advice on plot development- why not have a thread to share dilemmas and exchange advice? I'll get the ball rolling with this:



Is this paragraph awkward? I had the idea but had a hard time committing it to the keyboard. I don't intend for it to sound too melodramatic, but I'm stuck as to how to better communicate this, if I possibly could.

At the beginning, it lacks some of the emotion that you put into your work, if you don't mind me saying
I love the concept, and the whole ordering the book off the Internet is poignant, yet in a practical everyday sort of way - you think all the time "Gee, will that arrive in time for X's birthday", but not in the sense that "Will I be dead when that arrives?"
And the imagery about the hourglass sand too - fantastic, by the way - but maybe ther could be something regarding how easy it was for him to make that phonecall in the first sentence, and therefore leading onto the second sentence to make it flow?

Thanks for the advice- emotional potency is what I strive for in my work, but it's hard for me to take a step back and identify when I've implemented too much or too little. Muchos gracias for pointing it out to me! I see exactly what you mean and agree completely.

Okay...coming from me this is very akward...but...
can somebody help me with a death scene? I've only got the basic parts from the begining and I need help with the death scene after this. How to you think he would react? He has to die though:

The newspaper was from the day before, unusually pessimistic this time though. All that was written on the slightly wet pages where talks of that 'Great War', the bloodshed, the torment, the horrors of combat. He laughed, how had they managed to stop the men from disurting? His morbid curiosity got the better of him, and read the first page with a slightly horrified passion. Flipping to the next page, he noticed a small article.

LOCAL ASYLUM MEMBER FOUND DEAD IN RIVER AFTER ESCAPE.

Jeanne? Jeanne had drowned herself? But....his mind drifted back to the day she had left. He had only rejected her to save her withering sanity. But the look of hurt, of torment so obvious on her face, how he should've known! Oh curse yourself! He quickly lost himself in thought. How foolish you were! Jeanne was right! You one chance at love! For once in his life, he knew he could not go on.

can someone help with my thesis statement? I have to write a personal essay and I'm writing about the day I found out I had a blood disorder. The thesis statement I thought up was: "After being diagnosed with a rare blood disorder my life changed in an instant". I know, I know it sucks but I suck when it comes to these things. So what do you think? Help is very much appreciated.

I'm good at making thesis statements (so they say).

So steps;
-What are you trying to prove? My life changed due to blood issue
-Example of what I'm trying to prove...: I made friends with people with the same issue, my blood smells like bananas, I can sweat blood.

-Smash 'um!: After being diagnosed with a rare blood disorder I found friends with the same issue, figured that my blood smells like bananas and that I can sweat my own blood.

Topic Sentence #1-
Being diagnosed with my blood disorder I made friends with people that have the same blood disorder.

T.S. #2-
I have had many different excitements with my blood disorder, but blood that smells like bananas was the most greatest exploration.

T.S. #3-
Studying many things about my disorder I have learned and accepted that I can sweat my own blood.

I'm not making fun, but just giving random exapmles to help as best possible.

wow haha hilarious Thanks for the help Pux!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Helllooo, I need some help for all you people interesting in folklore or mythology or magic etc etc... I'm working on some short stories at the moment and they center around a group of "supernaturals". Heh. Well, there are some witches, some shapeshifters, some imp summoners...

I've got three main "races" if you will, but I need some more and I just can't find anything that fits the tone of the stories. It's set in England and a lot of the magic is more scientific based - it's not cute, fluffy magic with wands! XD

I was hoping anyone could give me ideas for more races/abilites/powers without it becoming X-men - English or Norse folklore would be a big bonus as well as some links for research and history? I've looked in all my usual places but I'm stumped.

We have a class assignment in English to pick and write about a controversal/debatable topic; I chose Pro-Illegal Postitution.


That paragraph annoys me. It's based loosely off of non-solid thoughts.

I don't know the parameters of the essay, PuX, so I don't think I'm a fair judge, but I would suggest that you include some factual basis for your opinion. The foundation of a persuasive paper includes emotional, logical, and factual appeal to convince the reader of your opinion. Try to find some supporting evidence. I don't agree with you in the least, but I like the phrase "prostitutes return to duty each night"- it's very poetic, in a way.



Is this a boring hook? I'm writing a nihilistic piece about superheroes' anomalous abilities leading to their deaths as they drop off one by one (invisible girl disappears, walk-through-walls girl disintegrates, etc), but I'm having a hard time starting it. The opening scene is a fire in which the protagonist (essentially a human match) has to choose to save his lover or a civilian from the burning building, but building up to that painful decision provides for a slow scene, methinks.

Rabid, it's a great hook but maybe you could shorten the first sentence? It really stands out but the fire - which is the most intriguing part - doesn't come in until the second half of the line. I would suggest bringing it forward. Maybe using it as one word to start it off? Only an idea! Other than that the imagery is good and you've kept it ambiguous, which I really liked about it.

Thanks for the feedback! I see what you mean and I'll have to take it under revision- I know I have a tendency to be wordy, sometimes at my own expense. I meant to tell you about your last post seeking ideas, but I completely forgot- check out seventhsanctum.com. I don't know if it will help you it not, but it has numerous fantasy generators that might help to get the ball rolling on some creative production for your story.

Yes you are very wordy but don't be afraid to use that skill - you have a huge amount of freedom that way with your writing. But also don't be afraid to be blunt. Short, sharp and harsher sentences can work with the longer ones too. But it all depends on the tone you want, i.e. dreamy.

Yess I did have a look on Seventh Sanctum. Some of the gens for story ideas are pretty wacky but that's what I like! Heh, thanks for the tip though.

I'm trying to start up again with my story/novel and I think my creativity juice has 'poofed'.
Since this is not a 'poor-me' thread...I needz halp!

The basics are:
Ghram Hart, a grown up high school football player, keeps getting haunted by nightmares of conversations he has had with his high school girlfriend.
There is an annual town get-together taking place rather soon.
I'm planning on getting the girlfriend to be at the party and they meet, etc.

I have three pages typed and I believe it's still in the intro and I can only write essay introductions.

...So, Halp pweez :D

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Rabid, I don't know if you still need help on the 'Fire' piece, but I skimmed the first two sentences and I know you write with great descriptions, but this peice might be too decriptive...if that is possible.

PuX, what exactly are you asking for help with? I'd be glad to try my hand, but I don't see how anyone but you can specify where the story should go. And while I greatly appreciate your comment about the fire piece, I must respectfully disagree; nothing can ever be too descriptive.



Is it clear in this piece that the character really, really wants his dad? Some background might be necessary to elucidate the emotional potency- protagonist's brother is in a coma that he's not expected to come out of, and the protagonist finds himself desperately wanting their estranged father to fix everything because he knows that he can't do it. I hope it's not too much, but in this story, the brother and father are constantly pulling the protagonist in different directions (take care of brain-damaged brother or live own life), so I suppose what I'm asking is if this paragraph is "enough" for this very pivotal moment. [/font]

Thank you, Rabid for wanting to try a hand at helping (I will post a paragraph at the end of this post).

On the quoted exerpt, the begining doesn't flow into the end, but to answer your question: Yes, it does seem (near the end) that the guy wants his father.

I kind of saddly got out of my little road block, but the above is the most questioning I have about the whole story.
I'm not looking for any certain crticing, just type your thoughts and I will improve.

What do you guys think? Please just give it a "(insert number here) out of five" or something. Tell me how I can improve too. I'm aware that I'm younger than many of the people here, but I hope to learn from all of you!

I think that it's promising, Torako. I'm interested to know what's happening with the girl. The tone is a bit conversational in a few instances, though, and I would advise against referring to her as a young lady- it makes the protagonist seem far older than he is, and the turn of phrase seems a bit dated.

I just read an article on purple prose (excessive description, flowery phrases) and realized that it sums up just about everything I've ever written. Is my writing really that excessive? Sometimes I feel like it's not nearly enough. I love the way I write, but the article has made me wonder- what if I never get published because all I can do is write purple prose? Even if what I write is indeed purple prose, does it feel like it? Is it really too much?

Does this sound OK? It's part of a story I have to write for an English assignment.

The night was pitch black, only the eerie light of the moon lit the overgrown garden below it with a strange, silver light that illuminated the huge apple tree (which never had any apples) and the birds that roosted in its branches. The owner of the big, spooky-looking house that overlooked this garden came outside, as she did every night, to admire the stars twinkling above her. The light got a little brighter as she stood underneath it, and she welcomed this as it seemed to cause more stars to become visible. However, under this light, she was murdered.

Any suggestions?

Jessie that is really good the only quirk I have (and it's minor) is the first sentence, it seems a little long to me, maybe you could break it up a bit?

Eh-hem, this a 100-word drabble that I wrote, it's actually fan fiction for the Discworld series by Terry Pratchett. You really have to know the character, Commander Samuel Vimes, to fully understand the piece, but basically, he's a policeman, and he's patrolling the city streets at three o' clock on a rainy night.

Vimes stands with his back against the wall.

It’s three o’ clock in the morning. The city is cloaked in thick, fuzzy darkness. Rain streaks down windows and pools in the gutters.

He pulls his helmet down lower, adjusts his thick, warm cloak to keep out the bitter cold and reaches for the silver case in his pocket, lighting up a cigar.

In a few minutes he’ll move on, but for now he is in his own little world - the taste of the smoke and the sound of the rain whispering.

His nose is cold, but no matter.

Perfect harmony.

Any ideas for improvement?? I'd really appreciate it. It's called Harmony lol I tried to make it concise but meaningful, it's hard to fit in an idea to 100 words.

Meg xx

it's not me that needs the help is is my firend vampire of fire. she needs help in every aspect her stories do not descidre anything and she uses said to much please help her. i know she would not ask for it her slef.