“Kat, after you relationships came and went. I... screwed up a lot.”

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” I offered, not wanting to drag out the past.



“No, really, it’s okay. I’ve done a lot of soul searching and moved past it.”

I smiled and nodded, not knowing if he was going to elaborate. I wasn’t expecting him to go on, but then he shifted his weight in the chair and started his story.



“After you and I broke up, there were other girls. A lot of other girls. When I found myself single again, I had no idea how to BE single. I’d been one half of a pair for 3 years. I was lonely and desperate, and honestly just seeking acceptance.



“There was this one girl, Amanda. We’d had a few classes together and she had actually asked me out before. I called her up one particularly lonely night and we hit it off.



“My relationship with Amanda was doomed from the beginning. I had all these left over feelings and I tried to pick up with her right where I’d left off with you. Of course that didn’t work. I couldn’t deal with all my emotions, and that’s when my love affair with alcohol began. It was the one thing that could provide relief from the weeks of mental torture I’d been going through. I was instantly addicted.



“Amanda noticed the rapid change in me and got scared. Eventually she ended things and I moved on to the next girl. It was easy. I had my looks going for me and was always in the life of the party. I dated around for the last two years of college, but they always got scared off. I was more in love with the drink than with them.

“Until I met Vanessa. She was perfect. Popular, smart, and so beautiful. She had a full ride scholarship from some charity fund because her parents had been killed in a tragic accident during her last year of high school. Before that, she’d been Daddy’s little girl and had a charmed life, but when she lost her parents, she went through some rough times. That’s why we kept running into each other at every campus party, both trying to escape our demons.





“When I graduated college, she had one more year of school left and we moved in together. It wasn’t my plan, but Vanessa was already pushing me to get married after only a few months of dating. I would have jumped into that offer head first only a year before, but I was no longer looking for someone to transfer my feelings for you onto. Now I was only looking for a way to prolong the numbness. I knew that marrying her would only trudge up old wounds, so I settled for letting her move in with me.

“I said before that Vanessa was struggling with her own demons. The sudden death of her parents had left a gaping hole in her heart and she was growing more and more depressed by the day.



“You asked me if I’d ever come close to having kids. The answer is yes, very close. When Vanessa finally accepted the fact that I wasn’t walking down the aisle anytime soon, she started begging me for a baby. She thought that having her own family would fill the hole in her heart.

‘Please Sean, please! It’s all I want! A little baby girl to fill my heart with love and joy! I know this isn’t what you want, but I swear this won’t be your responsibility. I’ll take care of her. You can walk away if you want, but this is what I need. I know it will save me. I know it will.’



“She carried on begging like this for weeks. I started staying out late and sometimes not even coming home at night just to avoid the fights. When I did finally see Vanessa, she’d lay into like never before. It broke my heart to see her so angry and miserable.



“I wanted to save her from herself. I could give her what she wanted, so I finally gave in and agreed to father a child with her. As soon as I made the decision, I knew it would be the end of our relationship. Vanessa would have her precious child and she would no longer need me in her life. But I couldn’t change my mind. This was the only way to make her happy…



“We tried. For six long months I tried to give Vanessa a baby. But it wasn’t working. At first we thought we just didn’t know how conception worked. We found websites that explained ovulation and all that stuff, but still nothing. Our tempers were short and we were losing hope. Fearing the worst, Vanessa scheduled an appointment at a fertility clinic. When she checked out fine, she wanted to jump right back into our schedule.

“But I… had a feeling. So I went to the doctor without telling Vanessa. I’d suspected right… it was my fault we couldn’t conceive. I’m… infertile.”



Sean’s voice cracked at that last word and he paused for the first time since beginning his story. He picked up his fork and pushed around some of the food on his plate. He seemed to be fighting with himself to go on.

I didn't know what to call the emotion that had bubbled up within me, but seeing the mixture of shame and embarrassment on Sean's face, it was clear that I felt something. I couldn't believe he was being so honest. I hadn't deserved his trust.

After an uneasy moment he cleared his throat and picked up where he’d left off.



“It’s not an easy thing to accept, infertility. The very source of manhood is the ability to procreate. It’s immature, I know, but I felt like a complete failure. So I did the only thing I knew how to do. I left. When Vanessa came home my things were gone and I was halfway across the state. It was the cowardly thing to do, but I was too ashamed to face her.

“I spent the next month on the road, spending my nights in sleazy bars and cheap motels.



“I had a lot of time to think, so I finally returned home to make amends with Vanessa. But the house was deserted. She’d changed her phone number so I didn’t even know how to contact her to apologize.

“I tore through the house in a rage, angry at myself for how I’d ended up. I ripped through my closet, looking for who knows what. My fist knocked a box off of the top shelf and its contents, old photos, scattered to the floor. One caught my eye. It was a group shot of the old gang. You, me, Kelli, Damion, Sophia, Pete. I broke down right there and resolved that if I ever saw my old friends again, I would be a guy they could respect, the guy they used to know.



“I never touched another drop of alcohol. It was hard, I struggled with the urge to drink every day, but I got my job back and that helped keep me busy so I couldn’t think about it. I was really turning my life around, but I couldn’t make up for my past misdeeds.

"One day I heard some other doctors talking about the mission trip to Africa, and I knew that’s where I needed to be.”

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Sorry to cut off the chapter in the middle of Sean's story (yes there is more to come), but once Sean got talking, I couldn't make him shut up!! The second half should be up this weekend, I am still working on the pictures.